You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
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