I showed him my bush... on skype.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
