I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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