There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
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