Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
i will never coherently bang her
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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