Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
Randomize