living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
