Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
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