Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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