I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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