Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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