I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
