i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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