I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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