I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Randomize
