he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I just googled if crying burns calories
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Randomize
