I think I am morally bankrupt
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
i just made my gag reflex go away.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
