How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
