Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
