I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
