i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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