I'll bet she douches with gravy.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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