I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
No. You are not the Kate in this relationship. I will do what I want.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
