im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
