I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
