The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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