my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
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