Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
