My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize