I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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