i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Let's get the cat blown out
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Randomize
