Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
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