I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
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