You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
