Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
