Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
