You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
