does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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