i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
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