You made me cry and you don't even care
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
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