I think i peed on brittanys purse
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
Randomize
