I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
