So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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