We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
