Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
Randomize
