doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize