I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
