the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Randomize
