He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
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