garbage
garbage dick
rubbish cock
you win
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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