I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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