Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
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