we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
