she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
