....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Randomize
