I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
