I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
