stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
