Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Randomize
