I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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