It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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