no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
