there's paper in my vomit.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
