True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
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