So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
Randomize
