Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
