I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize