i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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