im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Do you participate in Sunday morning booty calls?
Dammit! I didn't see this message, of course I do.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize